highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
