Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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