Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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