For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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