About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i will never coherently bang her
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
