Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
