We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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