Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
