We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
