Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
