I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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