I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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