so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I deserve this hangover.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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