how can u be prego again
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm determined to sit on that face.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
