this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
