Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
