Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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