I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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