dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
