About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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