I think i peed on brittanys purse
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
