she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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