I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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