She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
