i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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