All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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