i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
