coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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