So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
