On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
