And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize