I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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