Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
