is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
