i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.