I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
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She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
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Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?