Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm like, not good at living.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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