I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president