Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
