I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
