my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
