Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize