I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
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He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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