A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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