you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
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I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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