What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
