He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
