i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
