I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
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you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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