Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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