my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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