he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
