Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you win again, gameday.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
