Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
