Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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