A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
