Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
