I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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